Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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