I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
