The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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