it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
