I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
