Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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