mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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