I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
