yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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