there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
