im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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