I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
