Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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