in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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