Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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