saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
