Im at strip club and am horny
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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