I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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