Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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