Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Green mimosas i think yes
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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