remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Sober January is a disaster.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
