alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
