I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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