Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
