mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
