I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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