Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
