he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
