he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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