It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
