i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
wow bdsm is so cute
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
