Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
