There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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