He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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