i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
