shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
