Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
