I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i think i scared a bird with my dick
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
