My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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