god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
