My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
