woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
