I could make wine with my vomit
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
