after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
