I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
