It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
