I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I came so hard my ears popped.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
