she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
