We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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