The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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