That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
