What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
