just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
