Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
