My hand turned me down
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
